one of those days

I have been watching a lot of a certain older show on Netflix lately. It's a show that premiered 15 years ago, but I just started watching it about two weeks ago. I won't say the name in case I accidentally post 15 year old spoilers for other people that didn't start watching it with the rest of the world, like me.

However, what I did do was google how the relationship of two main characters would turn out. It took a long five seasons, but they are finally together and it is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen. If you'll excuse my internet lingo for a second - I ship them harder than I have ever shipped two TV characters. I'm in love with their love, it's been such a long time coming. Ever since I googled the relationship, I've been dying to get to this sweet spot. However, Google also told me that the relationship comes on hard times in the near future, and I am afraid to move forward because this is the period I have been wanting for so long. I don't want the relationship to hit hard times.

The worst part of all of this though? It is making me reevaluate my own love life. Or, really, the lack thereof. Twenty-six years old. Barely dated - I've had two relationships, but never actually just dated. One of the characters on the show had this issue and I didn't realize I did until then. It's true, though. I don't date. Never have. If someone asked me on a date, I wouldn't know how to act or what to say. Plus, I don't know anyone that I would even want to go on a date with. I browsed OKCupid today and I didn't even find more than 3 guys that I wanted to click on their profile. Am I too picky?

More importantly, did I already miss my chance? I was in high school when I met my first (and only, so far) love. He and I had...an up-and-down...relationship. He was a bit older, college to my high school, and the age difference bothered him a lot. We would get really close, fight, stop talking, repeat. I had my first kiss with him, went to one of my favorite concerts with him. I loved him. Our timing was always a bit off. He moved after college and I moved to college. We were hours apart but we talked every day, all day long. He bought season tickets to my college's football games even though he had no connection to my university. It guaranteed his being in my town at least once or twice a month from September through November.

We were never official. But I loved him. He loved me. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes.

But, alas. The timing of our relationship was always bad. Or the distance was too far. Or a myriad of other excuses to why we never worked out. He's married to someone else now. A girl whose age difference is bigger than ours was (a point that caused bitterness in my heart for a long, long time). But was he The One? Did I miss out on that relationship because our life timelines never matched, and now I'm going to drift alone for the rest of my life? Is the reason that I don't want kids because I will never have the chance to have them?

I have four single friends left. Of those, three of them will be married by mid-September, and one is in a serious, long-term relationship. I am the only one left. I am the one who struggles to find a place to stay at hotels when attending weddings because there is no one left to split a room with. I'm the one that has to be accommodated when inviting friends to hang out, so that I won't be the fifth or seventh wheel. I am my own reason why I stay at home 99% of the time and binge-watch shows on Netflix that make me question my future. Where do you even meet people after you're done with college?

I will finish the show, because I know that the characters ultimately end up together, even though there are some hardships along the way and they break up a few times. I will finish the show and root for them, this fictional TV couple that I want to end up happy. I will root for them, and I will dream for myself, of one day having the cute relationship that they are having right now. My dreams may be fading, but they aren't dead yet.

come back to me.

last night, i took an online screening for dysthymia. it told me that it's possible i have it. i'm not 100% sure...who is about these things?...but it does explain a lot. dysthymia is a milder form of depression, where the symptoms are not as severe. sometimes, when you have dysthymia, you may even think that it is just part of your personality and keep going on with your life without talking to anyone about it. the characteristics of dysthymia are low energy, low self esteem, lack of interest in daily activities, and can result in people withdrawing from social situations, stressful situations, and being careful to avoid any opportunity for failure. factors linked with dysthymia are stress, social isolation, and lack of social support.

sometimes i think i'm just majorly PMS-ing, and it's almost a relief to feel any kind of mood because for a long time i just felt numb. i attributed it to the addition of birth control into my daily routine (mood effects aside, after the initial three months, that has been the best decision i've made in a long time, but that's another blog post). i used to have crazy mood swings, and then i started BC, and felt numb for months...and now i'm getting swings again. true, i do start my period this week, so maybe that's the reason why i almost cried over pizza with onions last night.

and yeah, you can't deny that i am stressed out more than a person my age should be. working 40+ hours a week AND being in graduate school is taking its toll on my body...especially in the form of gray hair. i've got midterms this week, along with the first part of a giant research project that oh, you know, is one of three things that determine if i actually get to graduate. not to mention the other research project and case study i have to do for the class i'm currently taking...and oh yeah, i'm also supposed to be studying for my comprehensive exams that are the second of three things that determine if i graduate or not.

i don't even like my major anymore. i'm just so tired of having to work so hard for something that i have such a small, small chance of getting a job in. not to mention that fall back jobs with my degree is pretty much teaching science. i just stopped caring. i don't care about anything anymore. i don't want to go out and see people. i don't like my job anymore. i don't care about this stupid degree. i just want to seclude myself in my house with a never ending supply of netflix and books. oh, and i want my cat to be happy to remain indoors and play and sleep on his cat tower i spent $90 bucks on and he hasn't touched. oh, and to not be broke while doing it.

i really think i need a vacation, but i have so much going on that i don't think i would even relax enough to enjoy it. i feel like a piece of paper that is being pulled by each corner, straining...like it won't be too much longer before the stress is too much and i am torn down the middle. this is the road that leads to a breakdown.

i'm usually pessimistic enough, but tonight i am especially bad. i must just be having a bad night. like i said, my period starts wednesday (another BC perk!) so i could just be having raging hormones. who knows. i just don't feel like me anymore.

to sneeze, or not to sneeze?

it's the second-to-last saturday in february. i'm not exactly sure how 2015 has passed so quickly already, and part of me is freaking out about it. that part, of course, is the part of me that realizes how much schoolwork has to be done between now and august and how little of it has been done thus far).

my boss came to work this week with the flu, and i'm stuck sick at home on the couch today. pretty much all i've done all day long is lie on the couch in my living room (that is, the living room at home with my parents because i still live at home, yeah). i've seen so many episodes of pretty little liars - i'm on season three, no spoilers please - and i haven't had nearly enough water to drink, according to my retired nurse grandma. i'm not 100% blaming my boss because i don't think that my immune system is top notch right now, and i'm preeetty sure this isn't the flu. however, i'm not willing to spend my sunday morning sitting in the doctor's office and using my newly-purchased personal insurance plan to find out for sure. because when i say that my immune system isn't up to par, i'm really not joking. i normally sleep 4-5 hours a night, i conveniently keep forgetting to go to the gym, and i don't eat enough fruits and veggies and too much not-good stuff. oh, and i'm also stressed out all the time, since i work 40 hours a week on top of going to grad school. i do try to take vitamins though.

anyway, it's nighttime now, and i've wasted the whole day on the couch. i've played a bit of video games, i've watched so much netflix. it's raining, though, and my cat is taking a nap beside me, and i think i really earned this sick day. i think i will go fix myself a cup of tea and maybe a taco, and continue to watch pretty little liars while ignoring my actual responsibilities.

until next time,
xx

just a stirring in my soul.

this is going to be a blog to document the real life of a twenty-six year old living life in the southern united states of america. real life, real struggles, real talk. i can't be the only one who ended up at twenty-six and thought that life would be a bit different than it currently is. find hope here (crossing my fingers for some of that). find familiar. find yourself.