one of those days

I have been watching a lot of a certain older show on Netflix lately. It's a show that premiered 15 years ago, but I just started watching it about two weeks ago. I won't say the name in case I accidentally post 15 year old spoilers for other people that didn't start watching it with the rest of the world, like me.

However, what I did do was google how the relationship of two main characters would turn out. It took a long five seasons, but they are finally together and it is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen. If you'll excuse my internet lingo for a second - I ship them harder than I have ever shipped two TV characters. I'm in love with their love, it's been such a long time coming. Ever since I googled the relationship, I've been dying to get to this sweet spot. However, Google also told me that the relationship comes on hard times in the near future, and I am afraid to move forward because this is the period I have been wanting for so long. I don't want the relationship to hit hard times.

The worst part of all of this though? It is making me reevaluate my own love life. Or, really, the lack thereof. Twenty-six years old. Barely dated - I've had two relationships, but never actually just dated. One of the characters on the show had this issue and I didn't realize I did until then. It's true, though. I don't date. Never have. If someone asked me on a date, I wouldn't know how to act or what to say. Plus, I don't know anyone that I would even want to go on a date with. I browsed OKCupid today and I didn't even find more than 3 guys that I wanted to click on their profile. Am I too picky?

More importantly, did I already miss my chance? I was in high school when I met my first (and only, so far) love. He and I had...an up-and-down...relationship. He was a bit older, college to my high school, and the age difference bothered him a lot. We would get really close, fight, stop talking, repeat. I had my first kiss with him, went to one of my favorite concerts with him. I loved him. Our timing was always a bit off. He moved after college and I moved to college. We were hours apart but we talked every day, all day long. He bought season tickets to my college's football games even though he had no connection to my university. It guaranteed his being in my town at least once or twice a month from September through November.

We were never official. But I loved him. He loved me. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes.

But, alas. The timing of our relationship was always bad. Or the distance was too far. Or a myriad of other excuses to why we never worked out. He's married to someone else now. A girl whose age difference is bigger than ours was (a point that caused bitterness in my heart for a long, long time). But was he The One? Did I miss out on that relationship because our life timelines never matched, and now I'm going to drift alone for the rest of my life? Is the reason that I don't want kids because I will never have the chance to have them?

I have four single friends left. Of those, three of them will be married by mid-September, and one is in a serious, long-term relationship. I am the only one left. I am the one who struggles to find a place to stay at hotels when attending weddings because there is no one left to split a room with. I'm the one that has to be accommodated when inviting friends to hang out, so that I won't be the fifth or seventh wheel. I am my own reason why I stay at home 99% of the time and binge-watch shows on Netflix that make me question my future. Where do you even meet people after you're done with college?

I will finish the show, because I know that the characters ultimately end up together, even though there are some hardships along the way and they break up a few times. I will finish the show and root for them, this fictional TV couple that I want to end up happy. I will root for them, and I will dream for myself, of one day having the cute relationship that they are having right now. My dreams may be fading, but they aren't dead yet.