come back to me.

last night, i took an online screening for dysthymia. it told me that it's possible i have it. i'm not 100% sure...who is about these things?...but it does explain a lot. dysthymia is a milder form of depression, where the symptoms are not as severe. sometimes, when you have dysthymia, you may even think that it is just part of your personality and keep going on with your life without talking to anyone about it. the characteristics of dysthymia are low energy, low self esteem, lack of interest in daily activities, and can result in people withdrawing from social situations, stressful situations, and being careful to avoid any opportunity for failure. factors linked with dysthymia are stress, social isolation, and lack of social support.

sometimes i think i'm just majorly PMS-ing, and it's almost a relief to feel any kind of mood because for a long time i just felt numb. i attributed it to the addition of birth control into my daily routine (mood effects aside, after the initial three months, that has been the best decision i've made in a long time, but that's another blog post). i used to have crazy mood swings, and then i started BC, and felt numb for months...and now i'm getting swings again. true, i do start my period this week, so maybe that's the reason why i almost cried over pizza with onions last night.

and yeah, you can't deny that i am stressed out more than a person my age should be. working 40+ hours a week AND being in graduate school is taking its toll on my body...especially in the form of gray hair. i've got midterms this week, along with the first part of a giant research project that oh, you know, is one of three things that determine if i actually get to graduate. not to mention the other research project and case study i have to do for the class i'm currently taking...and oh yeah, i'm also supposed to be studying for my comprehensive exams that are the second of three things that determine if i graduate or not.

i don't even like my major anymore. i'm just so tired of having to work so hard for something that i have such a small, small chance of getting a job in. not to mention that fall back jobs with my degree is pretty much teaching science. i just stopped caring. i don't care about anything anymore. i don't want to go out and see people. i don't like my job anymore. i don't care about this stupid degree. i just want to seclude myself in my house with a never ending supply of netflix and books. oh, and i want my cat to be happy to remain indoors and play and sleep on his cat tower i spent $90 bucks on and he hasn't touched. oh, and to not be broke while doing it.

i really think i need a vacation, but i have so much going on that i don't think i would even relax enough to enjoy it. i feel like a piece of paper that is being pulled by each corner, straining...like it won't be too much longer before the stress is too much and i am torn down the middle. this is the road that leads to a breakdown.

i'm usually pessimistic enough, but tonight i am especially bad. i must just be having a bad night. like i said, my period starts wednesday (another BC perk!) so i could just be having raging hormones. who knows. i just don't feel like me anymore.